Wow I can't hardly believe that a year has gone by already. I also can hardly believe how God has changed me in that same period. As it has been a year since writing how fragile I am I think I want to revise that post by stating that I am still a fragile being but that is only if I do life by myself. I am finding that as I put more trust in God to handle my hurts, habits, and hangups whatever they may be , He is able to make me stronger for it. I am looking for him far more than ever before and He is faithful and showing up to be the strength that I am not.
I spoke of my music and the instruments I want to learn to play. I started lessons on the dulcimer a week ago Monday. I need to develop my discipline muscle and that is something that I avoided like the plague. Well, God has a way of getting hold of us and telling us point blank that "enough is enough" so this will be the year that I learned at a heart level that I am not alone.
My struggles with cross-dressing have diminished significantly over this last year, am I over it so to speak? Like Paul who spoke of a thorn in his flesh I think that I will always carry this "thorn" till I am taken home but thanks be to God I have been able to trust others to come along side and join me on this journey.
I have a friend that I spoke to today who is in the hospital. We were at bible study last night and he just did not look to good towards the end when our facilitator tried to engage him in conversation. All of a sudden he stated that he didn't feel well and up and left. I have since found out that he was struggling to inhale for the past two days. TWO DAYS! What, you don't notice that inhaling breath, which the last time I noticed was pretty much an automatic thing, is difficult and red flags and warning bells didn't go off in your head telling you that something is amiss? Excuse me sir, but I seem to be having difficulty inhaling air that is needed to keep me in an upright position, do you think you could possibly help me to figure out how I might achieve a more satisfactory way of life? Or HELP ME I AM NOT BREATHING I NEED HELP!
I think in many ways I was like my friend who thought that I could do it myself. I knew I needed help but didn't ask for a lot of it. I told a friend recently "I want accountability but I don't want accountability, I want you to ask me the hard questions but I really don't want you to ask me the hard questions. It is indeed a double edged sword, much like life, life, death, yes, no, accountability or isolation. If I don't get the help I need, like my friend I could have died spiritually speaking (my friend is fine btw) and it is my choice. I chose life, I chose to get involved more with my Celebrate Recovery group, I chose to get help from my wife, and last but not least I decided to trust God and the men that he put in my life.
I am not as fragile as I was a year ago and that is because the Holy Spirit has shown me that I don't have to be. I don't have to take everything so personally. I don't have to think that it is always about me. I don't have to be so concerned with how others see me or if they see me, and if they do then how do I appear? He is teaching me that I am a child of the King and the King loves me just for who he made me. I am a compassionate warrior.
So the journey goes on from here. I have found other men that are struggling with the same thorn as I have and it is refreshing to be able to communicate with persons on that same exact journey. It is also a blessing to be able to see the truth that it is not what God wants as the "best" for us. I think that all to often we want everything in a neat box where we can say that is bad and that is wrong but God gives us so much blessed freedom to come to those decisions ourselves. I welcome any disagreement with any position I hold because I am called to love others even in disagreement. I want to share my story with others so that maybe something will resonate within that person to turn toward or back toward the real Healer and that is Jesus Christ. I want to be able to say Merry Christmas because for me it is just that and not have take offense to it. I want to be accepted as one who will hear others stories and find a resonance within them. The church has not done a great job in coming alongside those that are hurting but I want to be different and say that all are welcome here whatever your hurts, habits, or your hangups and that everyone know that here you are not judged, but loved for who you are in Christ.
Merry Christmas to All who come here!
